Forever Six.

Forever Six.

Birthdays were one of Evie’s favourite events. She got excited about anyone in the family’s birthday, but especially loved when it was her turn. Celebrating Evie’s birthday without her last month was so hard. As I made the cake I knew she would never eat, and we spent the day doing things she loved, I kept thinking, ‘you’re not meant to have your child’s birthday without them’. And on what would have been her seventh birthday, it hit me that she will forever be six. She will never reach any other age, and although we will continue to celebrate every year, she will remain a beautiful, innocent six year old. As it reaches what would have been her teenage years, and then her 18th or 21st, we will only ever be able to imagine what she would have looked like at that age, what traits she would have had. She will never get to experience so many life experiences. We will never get to watch her get her license, or watch her graduate. We will never get to watch her walk down the aisle, or to become a Mum herself. And although that is heartbreaking, it also got me thinking about all the hard experiences she won’t have to go through. Like getting her heart broken by a boy, going through the tormenting teenage years, the stress of exams and pressures of life. And she never again has to stress about cancer. About having to get yet another needle, or having a scan, or fasting for surgery, her hair falling out, or getting her central line dressing changed.

I would give anything to have Evie back, but I know that if Evie were to have survived, the stress and anxiety that entered our world the day she was diagnosed would never really have left. We probably never would have completely felt confidant it would never come back. Especially after it had come back so many times. Every pain, fever or headache would have thrown us in to panic, and the side effects down the track would have meant a lifetime of check ups and a strong possibility of her getting a secondary cancer.

When I look at Evie’s life, what she went through physically was hideous. Awful for an adult to go through, let along such a little person. Hospital stays, scans, procedures, surgeries, clinic days, blood transfusions, icu, chemo, radiation: life really did suck! However, as I look at how she lived her life, I see a little girl who loved life and lived her six years here on earth with passion and gusto. Anyone who knew Evie or spent time with her would know She loved her friends, loved and adored all her family, she knew unconditional love and in return loved the world unconditionally back.

She may have missed out on many of the experiences life has to offer, but she still experienced so many beautiful moments. Really experienced them! She touched snow, she went on plane trips, and got to go overseas, went on a school excursion, and waved to the crowd as she walked on stage in her book day costume. She felt the sand between her toes and the spray of waves crashing at her feet. She experienced the magic of Christmas and the tooth fairy visiting her and leaving fairy dust and a coin in place of her tooth. She delighted in life, in the little things, and maybe because of this, she experienced more in her six years than most do.

Perhaps the most incredible thing that will always amaze me is how happy she was throughout, and how she smiled despite the circumstances and challenges she faced. If my Evie girl has taught me one thing, it is that it is possible to continue to smile and enjoy life, and to delight in the moments life offer you. Even when it’s tough. So that’s what I want to try and do. To continue to find the goodness in life, to love the people in my world, and to be brave enough to smile even though life feels so hard. And although there are and will be days when I can’t find my smile through the heartache and tears, I have her incredible smile and dimples tucked away in my heart, imprinted on my mind, to give me strength and to keep me going. That precious smile, our gift forever.

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A little vulnerable and apprehensive, this is my journey. I hope that it will encourage, help, inspire others, especially who find themselves in a similar situation, or going through a difficult circumstance, and also to share a little glimpse of our story with so many who have been praying for Evie.
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Showing 3 comments
  • Melissa Dyson

    Beautiful Sarah. Really feel your pain and i hope its a bit easier knowing that you are loved so much and we all admire your strength which no mother should ever go through. Evies time was too short but as you say shes left and been through so much and many of us have learned so much from her. You guys are always in my thoughts and wish I was there to give you guys a big hug and a cup if tea and to make things a little lighter. xxxxxoooooo

  • Sheyne

    How a aolutely beautiful that was to read, what an incredible little girl, what an amazingly hard but beautiful life and what a staggeringly monumental gift she has left behind. Every word made sense, and a new palpable stage of your life as the mother of angel Begins.

    Thank you for sharing your heart and giving us a sneak peek at her smile and dimples tucked so safety in your heart. How very precious, and how bittersweet.

    In awe ❤️

  • Rachel

    Thank you so much for your bravery to share your heart ❤️

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