My Darling Evie…..

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My Darling Evie…..

My darling Evie,

It’s now been a little over a year without you. We survived all the ‘firsts’ without you, but oh, how incredibly hard it was. We have tried to continue to live and smile in your honour, but every new memory we make, we are wishing that you were with us.

As the first anniversary of you passing approached, I felt a sense of panic, wondering how I would manage to get through the day. How I would cope with reliving the most painful moment of my life, and knowing it had been a whole year since I had seen you, held you, kissed your face. But I kept reminding myself that it will never be as bad as living through the 19th December 2017. I felt incredibly numb the week before, maybe a way of my body conserving energy. When the 18th December came, I started to feel emotional as I thought about the fact that it was the last time I saw you awake, the last time I heard your voice. That night I woke and looked at the clock. 3am. The exact time I went to check on you at Bear Cottage, and ended up in the bed with you, singing and whispering to you, after being told you probably didn’t have long. I relived those precious but heartbreaking hours we spent with you before you breathed your last breath. I looked at photos of you and wept as I remembered holding you in my arms, your beautiful and perfect face at peace. I remembered as family came and wept as they said goodbye to you, and we somehow got through that first day without you.

As the day of your anniversary ended, I felt relief. I had made it through and another hard day was ticked off.  I also felt incredibly sad that time continues to go on, and it will continue to get further and further away from our ‘lasts’ with you. Not a day has gone by where I haven’t thought about you, missed you, smiled when I pictured your face and that beautiful smile of yours. Sometimes I feel numb, and I feel like I am going through the motions. At other times, a wave will hit me and I well up with tears and can’t believe you are gone. I know I will miss you forever, and I will never quite believe you’re gone, and I think that’s one of the hardest things. To know there is no end to the grief. I know it will change, and as time goes the waves may come less frequently, but they will still come. There will never come a day when I don’t grieve the loss of you, my beautiful girl.

I see white butterflies all the time, and I always smile as they make me think of you. I hear songs that make me weep as I feel like they were written just for me and you. I am still inspired whenever I think about how you lived life. I try and paint my nails regularly, although I miss my favourite nail artist doing them for me. Every time I have a bath, or see the stars and the moon, I think of you, and talk to you. We still have all your strawberry shortcake and Shopkin toys, and your box of barbie dolls. I don’t think we will ever be able to get rid of them. Alicia sometimes goes in to your room and plays. She misses you so much. She especially misses dancing with you. You would be happy to know that Lenny sometimes is roped in to dancing with Leesh. He is a good sport, but I know she misses her favourite dance partner, and always will. I know you would love Lenny. I wish you could have met him. I feel like you would have had a special bond. He has definitely helped us to heal and brought love and joy in to our world.

I just know you would have loved our High Tea this year. So many people there, all because of you, and we raised over $30,000. I know you would have loved seeing friends that were there, and getting your face painted, eating ice cream and cupcakes, and wearing a beautiful dress. I felt you so close that day, and felt so overwhelmed at what we achieved, inspired by you.

You would now be 7 1/2 now and about to start year 2. Your friends at school miss you and still talk about you. Last year, I cried as I watched the class you would have been in sang their song at presentation day. I pictured you up there, with your plaits, singing and smiling. I cried again when they were presented with awards and portfolios, again picturing you up there, beaming as you held your Year 1 folder. At Christmas time, as we sat and opened presents, I wondered what you would have asked for. Whether you still would have been collecting Shopkins and LOL dolls. I pictured you playing with your cousins and jumping in the pool, wanting Dad or your Uncles to throw you in along with the others.

I’m sorry you had to get cancer, and go through all you did. And I’m sorry we couldn’t find a way to make you better the way we wanted to. But thank you for being the most incredible little girl who faced such an enormous and ugly battle with grace and strength. Thank you for teaching us so much, for loving the people in your world, and showing us what it is to live, laugh, love. We are so proud of you.

You are so very missed, my baby girl. You always will be. I hold on to the hope that one day I will see you again. I hold on to the fact that you are pain-free and far away from hospital. I hold on to your smile and all the beautiful memories we created in the years we had you with us. We laugh at the funny things you used to do, and live our lives so you can be proud of us. You will always be part of us, no matter how many years pass without you physically here. You are always in our hearts, in the brave things we manage to do, and in the pursuit of finding a cure. You will always be our beautiful, brave, incredible girl. We will forever love you to the moon and back, stars and back, space and back, and the Milky Way.

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A little vulnerable and apprehensive, this is my journey. I hope that it will encourage, help, inspire others, especially who find themselves in a similar situation, or going through a difficult circumstance, and also to share a little glimpse of our story with so many who have been praying for Evie.
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  • Kathy Murray

    Oh Sarah tears are just streaming down my face as I read your most heart wrenching yet inspiring post. Your precious Evie will always hold a special place in my heart. She was the epitome of love and strength. She lived her short life on this earth to the fullest. You, Josh and Leesh were her steadfast rocks. You taught us as a family how to stand by each other through thick and thin. You showed us that God is there in the midst of the darkest times.
    I just wish we could bring Evie back for you Sarah. It seems so unfair.
    Thank you for sharing your journey. It forever inspires me and gives me courage to face whatever life throws our way.
    Please know we are praying for you each day and trusting God to carry you and comfort you alike.

    with much love Kathy xxxx

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